Have you ever been lost? Stuck? In a place you feel the world spinning all around you and you can’t get your footing to take another step? I have been here for the last year. Feeling as though I am embedded and frozen in a world moving so quickly, I might implode under the pressure. But I am not allowed to feel like this. I am a wife and a mother who must continue on. There is school to be done and a house to be taken care of, a meal to be cooked and little people all counting on me to….. NOT EXPLODE. A husband counting on me to hold it together. My family relying on me to be in control. When I feel as though my world is in disarray. Feeling as though the string holding it all together could snap at any moment.

Last year when my brother passed unexpectedly at 26 years old, I lost it. I felt my world crumble around me. Just like that, I felt broken. Everything that was once easy seemed to be harder or not enjoyable any longer. Finding the words to write became impossible and cooking felt like a chore. I didn’t want to get dressed or try for that matter. I wanted to hide and take cover for the war I felt in my mind was real. The monsters hiding in my closet were there. The demons haunting my dreams were coming at me full force. But no one saw. Though it’s not their fault. I don’t say anything. I hide behind a smile and show up day in and day out even when I’m not showing up for myself.

This last year I have heavily relied on,

Psalms 91:2

” I will say to the Lord, `my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust`”.

I am not supposed to hide in myself and my own misery. Feeling sorry for me. I am supposed to take refuge in Jesus. To find a fortress in The Lord. The God who has carried me through before and will continue to carry me now. The God who has never left me or forsaken me through all the hardships and turmoil that has been. The God that has loved me over and over again when I have not been deserving of that love. He is the same God that has performed miracles and continues to do so. HE LOVES ME STILL.

Romans 8:28

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

In my broken, in my mourning, in my defeated, God is working for my good. He is working for what benefits me. Even when I don’t see it. Even when I don’t feel it. Because I have been called according to his purpose. He said there was a plan for me before I was ever thought of. Before I was named there was a plan. Before I was formed there was a plan. Before the time of conception, He had a plan for my life. I didn’t know what my life was going to look like or what the future holds, but he had his hand in it ALL.

Psalms 34:18

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

It was in the valley, I pressed in. I leaned in harder. I pursued deeper. I dove headfirst into the word. I found the Prince of Peace and the Holy Physician. I found the cornerstone and the rock. I found the bread of life and the light of the world. In my valley he was planting seeds. In my valley he was watering me. In my valley he was feeding me. So, I can see the flowers of his works grow into more than I could have ever imagined. That I will one day see what my valley was once is now an overflowing, over-abundant, plentiful garden, he planted in me.

Because, He had a plan.

When you are going through hardships and struggles that seem too big. Remember, there is a bigger God planting seeds in the valley.